xx1513xx. Make things clear.


            I love that man, but you have already known that. I will do everything for him – obvious. But I have, I should’ve probably said – I had my rules, and I did not want to break them. But I did. I broke one of the most important rules. Because of my past I promised myself to not do things that have hurt me or my mother or any other women in the world. Because I have my father’s temper. I see things in myself that I hate about him. I spent so many years on changing my character, working on being tough, honest and respectful about others feelings.  Now I am just starting to resemble him even more. I have lost my head, just because of damn feelings. I never thought that I am so easy to break. I will not make excuses – I love him; he is my everything or that love makes me blind. Yes, it does, all of these statements are true, but this is not who I wanted to be. It hurts not only me and that is the worst. I am used to feel pain. Everything is bearable for me now.
Love is not an excuse.
            I will continue to repeat that mistake, because of my egoism. Because of the fire in my veins. Because of feeling that I am disappearing. Vanishing. Becoming part of him. I am obsessed with synchronized breaths, looking straight into his eyes while they are just an inch away from mine. Because of feeling safe only when in his arms. Because I thought that this piece of me, of us is gone. Because when he gives me that look I understand him without any words and I am feeling exactly the same way. I feel complete.
Only love can save me and love has destroyed me.
            But was not that what I always wanted? To destroy myself? And is there anything more beautiful than being destroyed by something that you love? I must agree with my godfather, mr Bukowski, this is the way that I want to killed.

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